Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
