He uses pillows to masturbate.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
