just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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