Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
