I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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