I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
