I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
