its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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