I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I understand Curling. That high.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
