If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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