Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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