I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
