im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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