Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
