Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Did I show you my penis last night?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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