Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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