I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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