the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
