My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
