Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
