i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
