I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
