I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
