I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
