Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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