My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The uberlube is also flammable
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
