K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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