if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
