White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
