guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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