Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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