apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
