he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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