she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
