Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
