even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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