Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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