I'm pants shitting drunk right now
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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