i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
