This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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