He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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