just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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