dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
