I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
