you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
