i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
