why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you have feelings for this penis?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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