Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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