My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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