this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
