He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My vagina is officially offended.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
