P.S. I can't hear my feet
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
