Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize