I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
