Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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